The Mother Goose Conspiracy
Before the sexual perversions of Heather Has Two Mommies, and Daddy’s Roommate, before the religious confusion of Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, before the racial slang of Tom Sawyer, and before even the profanity, violence, and cross-dressing of Shakespeare there were insidious, anti-traditional family value forces hard at work twisting and perverting the minds of innocent children under the guise of entertainment and fun. No wonder we are now a culture rife with Long Island Iced Teas, gravity bongs, ribbed and flavored condoms, push-up bras, hot bi babes, swingers’ conventions, Joy Jelly, double dongs, cock rings, and genital piercings. We never had a chance.
The brainwashing began early; in the very nursery itself and often by those we trusted most. Our mothers, our fathers, even our grandparents poured moral poison into our guileless ears… as theirs had done to them when they had been too naïve to speak out in their own defense. But someone must stand up for the children and if not me, then who? Who will warn present and future men and women of child bearing years and beyond about the hideous danger that lurks on the bookshelves of our children’s bedrooms, their school libraries, their local bookstores? Someone must speak loud and clear about the ghastly danger presented to the young and vulnerable by nursery rhymes.
Think about it for a moment. These early, almost hallucinatory tales of falling eggs, jumping cows, romantically involved dishes and spoons, mutilated and visually impaired mice – what kind of surreal landscape are we preparing our children for? More to the point, what kind of family structures are we raising our young to consider natural and appropriate? I present for your consideration two well-respected and popular nursery rhymes.
1) As I Was Going to St. Ives: “As I was going to St. Ives/ I met a man with seven wives/ And every wife had seven sacks/ And every sack had seven cats/ And every cat had seven kits/ Kits, cats, sacks, wives/ How many were going to St. Ives?”
Is it any wonder that so-called “responsible non-monogamy” is becoming so popular in a culture where this kind of marital confusion has been presented at the very crib? Surely, this supposedly innocent 18th century riddle explains Salt Lake City, Utah, if nothing else.
2) There Was An Old Woman: “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe/ She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do/ She gave them some broth without any bread/ Whipped them soundly and sent them to bed.”
Although there’s no mention of a father figure in this single-parent poem, it’s redeemed somewhat by the introduction of stern discipline. But let’s face it, the question of how this “old woman” came to have so many children and how she supports them is left entirely to speculation. For all we know this crone has kidnapped healthy babies in order to sell them on the black market – or worse, luxuriates on Welfare while the government rewards her for her indolence.
Hopefully you now see the grave danger that lurks among us, threatening not only the vital “moral values” that were so clearly expressed by the American people during the most recent presidential election, but the very future of this country or, perhaps, all of humanity. I can only pray that the new Attorney General will spend as much time working to combat this menace to the most vulnerable among us as the previous one spent to speaking out against images of adult men and women engaging in mutually consensual intimacy with one another.
– Originally published in Playtime Magazine –