Darklady’s Confessional: The Things We Do For Love

Darklady’s Confessional
The Things We Do For Love
October, 2005

In truth, he more than slightly resembles an Adonis. Golden curls and laughing eyes, a taut, chiseled body with the butt of a dancer and the legs of a bicyclist. A vegetarian – of course – he is highly tactile and as graceful as a cat.

“I need you,” he beckoned to me from my shower, his naked body gleaming with hot, soapy water and his face switching from sweet innocence to raw and smoldering lust — then back to playful sweetness.

Ever the businesswoman, I took a deep breath and steadied my resolve. “Everybody needs me,” I assured him, trying not to notice anything below his tapered waist. “But right now, my magazine needs me the most.”

“My magazine” was the 16-page ‘zine that I’d put together with the able assistance of Oceania as a visual aid for the Ms. World Leather judges, press, and audience in Las Vegas during the August 26 – 28 contest. Within its pages were original articles by me about the Barbara Nitke vs. Communications Decency Act lawsuit, Woodhull Freedom Foundation, National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, Free Speech Coalition, and my experience as a sex writer and alternative sexuality activist, as well as a piece explaining some of my philosophy regarding sex positive activism.

Four of Nitke’s beautiful and potentially illegal (according to the clearly unconstitutional CDA) photographs, as well as a shot of me with California gubernatorial candidate and porn queen Mary Carey adorned the front and interior of the magazine. Individually and collaboratively, these words and images created a powerful statement about my love for liberty. But my favorite shot was definitely the one of me by photographer David Rolin, naked and wrapped in a 52-foot vinyl American flag.

There was no time to stop for a dalliance however pleasant. Not even with a male courtesan as beautiful, as eager, as intelligent – and as politically active and aware — as Chris Fox. Instead, we satisfied ourselves with a most personal lap dance and then sat on opposite sides of my office desk talking politics late into the night. The next day we enjoyed a vegetarian breakfast and a good deal of rubbing and stroking during a car ride that featured his nearly hairless body stretched languidly along the length of my reclining passenger side bucket seat – hopefully much to the delight of the more observant drivers in the parallel lanes.

I love sex. All kinds of sex. Hot, sweaty, nasty, dirty, visceral, sweet, clean, tender, soulful, and sublime. But there are some things that I love even more: liberty, self ownership, honesty, my natural rights to speak and think and love and nurture whatever mutually consensual budding love affair that I choose.

That means often taking the rougher, narrower road – because the view is often spectacular, as are the unexpected and often unimaginable pleasures to be sampled along the way. But occasionally you have to set aside pleasure and focus on the practical realities of daily living – even when the pleasure is godlike and pleading.

Am I insane? Or are there just some things that we do for love?

— Originally published in Playtime Magazine —

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