Diary of a Darklady: Clothes Don’t Make the Darklady – but They Don’t Hurt!

Diary of a Darklady
Clothes Don’t Make the Darklady – but They Don’t Hurt!

Every month I receive boxes of adult videos, mature topic books and comics, sex toys, catalogues filled with naughty items, leather or vinyl garments, and things that simply defy easy description. Some of them I review for magazines or websites, some I use in my private life, some I show off in public, and some I pass on to friends, donate to fundraisers, or give away at my various parties and events.

Most months I get a box of goodies from XTC Leather of NY (http://www.xtcleather.com). Since the stuff is so cool, it’s always exciting to cut open the box and pull out whatever is inside. I’ve received rubber wrist restraints, leather head harnesses with attached ballgags, a pink vinyl evening gown, a short black vinyl halter dress, a 40s style snug polka dot dress, leather teddies – and a leather mini skirt.

Now, before I write more about this particular mini skirt and the adventures the two of us have had since it arrived, I need to make it clear that mini skirts are not something that I have traditionally worn. Although I have always been a shapely woman, I have never been a particularly thin one. My legs have received many compliments over the years, but I’ve still never really ventured into the realm of short skirts, which is something of a pity since I have a serious stocking and hose fetish.

When I attended the grand opening of Portland’s second Spartacus Leather store (http://www.spartacusleather.com) I won a merchandise gift certificate and selected a very short, black, pleated skirt that met with great public response. Until the arrival of the leather mini skirt, it was the most daring garment of its kind in my wardrobe.

At first I didn’t trust the leather skirt. It is extremely snug and extremely short. Short enough that I felt compelled to invest in a number of sexy underpants. Given that most of them are thongs, I’m not sure what that’s supposed to accomplish, but it makes me feel like I’ve at least tried to keep things saucily modest.

In addition to the shortness and snugness of the skirt, there was the issue of its dual zippers. On the one hand, they look sexy at hell and make it easy to slip into and then out of the garment. But since I’ve got definition between my waist and hips and do not possess a washboard tummy, one of the zippers tends to roll down just a bit. Fortunately, none of the fashion police have said a word about this, so it’s likely only an issue in my own mind. Most people are probably too busy looking at my butt – which is precisely what happened when I marched in the Portland Pride Parade (http://www.pridenw.org) with the Blackout Leather Productions (http://www.blackoutleather.org) contingent.

My friend Andy Mangels (http://www.inuniform.net) had invited me to march with BLP, so I agreed to leave the comfort and solitude of my office and brave the rays of the sun as a show of support and involvement with the various GLBTQ communities. Since I was walking with other leather folk, it made sense that I should wear something… well, made of leather. I had all those lovely leather teddies and some leather tops – but only the one leather skirt. The very short, very snug leather skirt with the dual zippers.

Gulp.

Faint heart never won fair lady, so I girded both my metaphorical and physical loins by putting on a pair of thong panties, some fishnet hose, a pair of updated military-style black leather boots, a black leather lace front and lace back halter top – and the infamous dual zipper leather mini skirt.

Let me assure you that there is nothing quite like walking through several miles of vanilla retail culture on your way to and from a diversity friendly event while wearing a mini skirt that flashes a good half of your ass. I’m not in any way ashamed of my ass, but I still feel a little self-conscious about displaying it around children, my elders, and people who look like they fell out of a Traditional Family Values poster. The only people I genuinely enjoy shocking are the stimulus-response amoebas that feel compelled to communicate their extreme and irrational hostility toward queer or otherwise sex-positive events by getting in people’s faces and exhibiting an appalling lack of good manners. Conveniently for my hemline, a clot of such amoebas presented themselves at the Pride Festival.

During the parade itself, however, I still tried to maintain some degree of butt decorum. Although I was assured by the leatherwomen who marched or rode behind me that my fishnet covered nether globes were an inspiration, there did come a time during the march when the skirt had moved far enough north that a generous and bold set of hands that weren’t mine gave my hem a tug. I developed a step, step, step, step, tug, tug, step, step, set, step rhythm as I marched, yanking down the back of my ever-creeping skirt in an attempt to not reveal my intimate secrets all at once. I was there to show my support for the natural right of all mutually consenting adults to live and love as they chose, but my thoughts were constantly being dragged back to my ass and the hem of that skirt, which I was now completely convinced might be great for nightclubs but was not ideally suited for hiking – although rumor has it that the lesbians on either side of the parade route did not necessarily agree.

Given that the skirt received rave reviews not only for its performance during the Pride parade but also during my 3rd Annual Portland Masturbate-a-Thon (http://www.masturbate-a-thon.org), I may have to accept that, just as was the case with the pink evening gown, there are more things in leather and vinyl than I have dreamed of on my fashion horizon.

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