Darklady’s Confessional: What I Hate About Porn

Darklady’s Confessional

What I Hate About Porn

I love porn. Probably not the same way that most people love porn, but when you’ve seen as much of it as I have, things change. I like to think that I’ve not become jaded so much as selective, meaning that I’m increasingly choosy about what things I expose myself to and under what conditions. That having been said, allow me to tell you what I hate about porn:

Ass Acne:

Never a fashion or hygiene plus, blemishes on a porn star’s ass are perhaps one of the most common and least appetizing risks inherent in viewing this entertainment genre – especially during video treats specializing in back door exploration. I realize that everyone gets a boo-boo on their bottom once in a while, but when the bubble butt looks like it’s covered with a protective layer of bubble wrap, it’s time to do something about it. Buy a loofah. Invest in Clearasil. Exfoliate. Hydrate. Anything except stick your blemish-ridden ass in front of a camera, I beg of you.

Boob Job Scars:

I know I’m an American because I like breasts, all kinds of breasts. But some breasts seem factory designed for covering with clothing, however minimal. Most fake boobs qualify. They look great under a tight top but comical at best once exposed to the air. Given the popularity of boob jobs among porn stars, the risk of encountering a nasty surgery related scar is an ever-present reality. Sometimes they’re fresh and angry pink, sometimes they’re faint and white, sometimes it’s not the scar that’s distracting or unappetizing so much as it’s how the breast puckers during doggie style – or remains absolutely immobile during any action, no matter how vigorious. Please ladies, show some restraint. There’s a point where fake boobs stop looking like something fun to suck during sex and start looking like something that will burst and expel a face-eating alien.

Stringy Hair:

I know for a fact that it gets hot in Los Angeles, but I also know for a fact that the city is filled with gay hairdressers. Find one. Unless you’re a crack whore or a meth fiend, there’s no excuse to let your hair get lank and oily. Surely there’s someone in your circle of acquaintances or your fan base who would be delighted to introduce you to the joys of soap, water, shampoo, conditioner, hairbrushes, and a stylish cut. Of course, if the look you’re going for is the skanky high school dropout who’ll fuck anybody for cigarette money, keep up the good work

Gum Chewing:

All I want to know is what guy willingly sticks his cock into a woman’s mouth while she’s chomping away on a stick of gum. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I also want to know what kind of woman pops a stick of gum in her mouth just before she’s supposed to suck cock. If you need to freshen your breath, consider mouthwash, toothpaste, or a chewable mint.

Disassociating During Sex:

Most women have had at least one unfortunate sexual experience during their lifetime and nearly everyone hates their job. If you need therapy, get it. If you’re only fucking for the money, learn to pretend that you enjoy sex. I’m not handing over precious minutes of my life so I can watch you spread your legs and switch off. Conversely, I’m convinced that you aren’t hungry for my cock and I will not change my mind simply because you make a big show of running your tongue across your painted lips and moan a lot.

There’s more of course. There’s always more. But I can’t reform the industry overnight, so let’s call this a wrap.

– Originally published in Playtime Magazine –

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