Darklady’s Confessional: Darklady’s Congressional Aspirations

Darklady’s Confessional
Darklady’s Congressional Aspirations

“Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nighttime face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.” — The Good Wife’s Guide

I’ve never been a very good wife, nor a particularly good girlfriend, for that matter. Not by Housekeeping Weekly standards, anyway. I’ve always had these radical sex and relationship notions. For starters, when I ponder the act of intercourse – which I think is what The Good Wife’s Guide is referring to, I don’t call it “congress.” In my corner of the universe, congress is the supreme legislative body of a republic, such as the United States. I believe that most dictionaries will back me up on this one. However, if they’re talking about husbands suggesting that their wives run for congressional office then I’m working on it.

When my lover “suggests congress” – meaning to make love, have intercourse, fuck, get it on, or otherwise engage in intimate physical contact — I’m rarely likely to “accede humbly” unless that’s the nerve we’re tapping on purpose at the time. And I’ve never really considered the satisfaction of the man or of the woman to be “more important.” Ideally the experience is a collaborative effort that achieves a balance where everyone enjoys themselves, pleasure is measured in degrees of good, and more than “a small moan” is considered an appropriate indication of enjoyment.

Perversely enough, I excel as a Cold War snuggle bunny when it comes to being “obedient and uncomplaining” about “more unusual practices.” Dress up like a fallen Catholic schoolgirl? Type casting! Do it Missionary, under the sheets, eyes closed, with the lights out? It’s sick but what the hell? As for remaining quiet to show disapproval, unless there’s a gag in my mouth I don’t go for that silent treatment stuff. If something seems like a bad idea, I feel an obligation to mention it.

Finally, while sudden testosterone depletion certainly can induce sleep, I find that a riotous bout of The Act can result in either party needing a nap before going in again for round two – or twelve. Since I don’t wear bed clothing, face, or hair care products, there’s nothing to adjust or apply afterwards. More time for snuggling and afterglow. As for that morning cup of tea, can’t we just get someone else to do that for us? More time for another session in congress.

– Originally published in Playtime Magazine –

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