Darklady’s SM Parlor

Pervertables

Not everyone lives in a big city with a fancy fetish supply shop or can afford to purchase professionally manufactured, BDSM focused toys. Even when these items are available, sometimes it’s just fun to pervert innocent household items. In some cases, it’s necessary. Those with children, nosy and unsympathetic neighbors, in-laws, room-mates, friends or employers may feel compelled to hide their kinky activities while still engaging in them somehow. And, finally, there are just times when the urge is too strong to deny and one must make due with what Fate places at hand.

Just as there are often copious food sources in many apparently inhospitable environments so are there copious numbers of kinky playthings lurking in the most mundane of places. The trick is to think creatively and identify them for what they are, not merely by how they are marketed.

Take, for instance, the kitchen. It is full of perversion if you just use the right eyes.

    • Wooden spoons, pizza paddles, wooden and plastic stirrers and spatulas, cutting boards, cheese graters, rice paddles, wire whisks, Saran Wrap (think dental dams, bondage and mummification), sponges with a scratchy side, vegetable brushes, tongs, bag clips, and cable ties are good starts, providing plenty of  sensation options. Then there are the obvious foodstuff choices such as insertable vegetables, ice, whipped cream, and hot sauces.

But the fun doesn’t have to stop in the kitchen. Walk through the house and see if you can identify any of the following instruments of delight and think of innovative uses for them:

    • Bedroom: Hair clips and clamps, rubber bands, shoelaces, hairbrushes, women’s cosmetics, fragrances and jewelry for male cross-dressing, men’s neckties, shirts, slacks, and colognes for female gender-bending. A valid place to keep religious items such as rosary beads, or role-play related garments, as well.
    • Bathroom/Medicine Cabinet: Ace bandages, douches and enemas, menthol rubs and toothpaste for genitorture. Snakebite kits (the suction cups are perfect for nipples and clits), aspirin (can increase bruising), latex goods, disinfectants, catheters, needles, safety shears, urethral sounds, and speculums. Bathrooms also can contain loofahs, scrub brushes, enema hardware, shower massages and shower curtains (good for mummification or bondage use).
    • Household Pet Areas: Collars, leashes, bells, food bowls, cages.
    • Sewing or Arts & Crafts Room: Fiberglass rods, specialty rope, leather, horsehair, feathers, shoe or boot laces, clover clamps, spiked cutting or marking wheels, paraffin emergency candles.
    • Garage/Work Room: Windshield wiper blades, funnels, rope, tarps, paint mixer sticks, bungee cord, sandpaper, alligator clips, eye bolts, chains, locks, duct and other adhesive tapes.
    • Laundry/Utility Room: Clothespins, disposable clothing for cutting, ripping or tearing off, clips from skirt or pants hangers, pillow cases (for hoods), leather belts.
    • Children’s Toy Storage: ping pong paddles, paddle ball paddles, jump ropes, Nerf balls (for soft gags), any toy appropriate for age play.
    • Music Room: Metal guitar or banjo picks for scratching, tambourine or symbol brushes and drumsticks for body percussion.
    • Sporting Goods Closet: fiberglass fishing rods, weights, fish scaler (for careful sensation play), bells with clips, climbing ropes, suspension harnesses (make sure to check weight limits), quick-release snaps, pulleys, ropes, riding crops, harnesses and bridles, horse hobbles, paddles, chin-up bars, camping “potty chairs,” darkened swim goggles.

Use good judgment when inserting anything into the body that wasn’t designed for the purpose and make sure edges are smooth and surfaces are sanitary. If you decide to use animal collars on humans, remember that rings should be in the front and not in the back and know the limitations of the materials being used. Poodle-perfect “trophy” collars may be lovely ornamentation for your human ornament, but should not be expected to do any real work, for instance.

Shopping can be a tedious experience, but when your purposes are both sacred and profane (you decide which is which) it takes on an entirely new feel. And knowing that there is an abundance of readily accessible pervertables can make it easier to hide in plain sight when it’s necessary – or help create unexpected playtime experiences. In addition to common merchant locations such as grocery stores, hardware stores, or fabric shops, consider the easily explained alternatives presented at thrift stores, farm fairs, dime stores, tack shops, and trendy goth style fashion boutiques. It’s a sick and perverted world out there if you just look at it right.

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